Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Sunday Kind of Love

I hadn't heard that song until it came out on a commercial about jeans. But then, I listened to it online and fell in love with it. It expresses what many women, and even men, dare I say, feel. That includes me.

Of course, in today's world, many people wonder if that's still possible. Young adults are coming through some "hook up" phase and apparently never building the social skills that undergird a successful relationship. I haven't built those skills, either. Not because I was involved in "hooking up," but because I resisted "hooking up." Only recently have I even realized that other people see as attractive as I see myself. And, coincidentally, it's only recently that I've really turned any substantial attention to the possibility of being in a relationship. Not "hooking up," but an honest relationship.

I'm old enough now to really consider marriage. The way I see it, sex can wait for marriage. I'm a Christian and make no bones about the fact that true love waits.

What's more is I know what I want in a spouse. I have a pretty good idea of what I need in a spouse. Getting to know people, I feel, is great. But here's my point, I'm personally not interested in purposeless relationships. I'm interested in what's been called "courtship." We spend time getting to know each other to know if God has plans for us to be marriage. We don't just "date" to learn how we feel about each other. You can have any number of very close relationships without any leading to marriage. And . . . well, we'll save my thoughts about marriage for another post. Suffice it to say here that I feel that both spouses in a marriage should be equally fulfilled.

My point now is that I'm not sure I have either the patience or health for some of the little "games" you're supposed to play. For example, the "chase." Let me put it simply - I do not have enough energy to run. But as far as I'm concerned, that's okay. I'm high maintenance. Just because I'm upfront about how I feel and may pre-empt the "chase," doesn't mean there still isn't some work to be done.

I mean, in my little part of the world, I roll with the big wigs. Can you handle that? Or will you shrink in the spot light? And I don't plan to be limited to my little part of the world forever. My intentions are to obtain an MDiv, MBA with a concentration in nonprofit management or community organization, and eventually a PhD in history. Can you handle that? Or will you one day complain about my use of multi-syllabic words? And I don't have time or energy to worry about "meeting your needs" all the time. So what's your relationship with the Lord? I want your faithfulness to be based on your commitment to please God, not whether or not I've pleased you in the last week or so. Can you handle that? Cause you can best be believing, once will be forgiven but twice and I'll be leaving.

I plan to change the world. You? Or are you satisfied with the world as is? Maybe you're not particularly satisfied, but you're willing to leave the heavy lifting to starry-eyed idealists and radicalists like me?

And, oh! You know what really impressed me so about one guy that I spilled the beans about liking him before he said a word about liking me? He rejected the notion of assimilation. So, I'm going to need you to reject assimilation, too.

Because I also believe marriage should be a joint venture to some degree. I mean, it does depend on how much and if the two plan on impacting the world. But, there's a quote by Correta Scott King that I can't quite remember, but has something to do with being a partner with Martin in what she knew would be his future. Now, I disagree with her to some extent on whether or not it's permissible for black people to request segregation. I know I've had some strong feelings about having my fill of white people. In fact, I'm actually on tape, if it was never erased, stating my feelings that after 8 hours of mainstream culture and being the only black person in the class, or the only one of a very few, the last thing I wanted was to have to be around more white people. A bi-racial friend of mine, well, up until this point, told me about the reaction to my comments; she laughed and said I had given all the wrong answers. But I told my mentor professor about it, and she agreed with me. The feeling is that though attending a majority white college, I wasn't there to enrich the experience of the white students. I wasn't my duty to make sure the white students had a "multicultural" experience, but the duty of white students to avail themselves of the multicultural events held on campus.

I mean, these spoiled brats complained about feeling "unwanted" after spending 5 minutes in the Black Cultural Center. Big deal! I have to be around you all the time.

But I digress. Marriage. It's kinda like with my brother. There was never any doubt he was going to be a minister and perhaps even the executive pastor of a church one day. His wife would have to be a "minister's wife." That's what knocked one of his exes out of the game. Although she was willing to do whatever it took to be a good wife to Big Head, or at least that's what she told me when I asked her, she wouldn't make a good minister's wife if her life depended on it. Not even in an Episcopalian church, and we're southern Black baptists. The girl who's now my sister-in-law grew up with a pastor for a father.

Don't get me wrong. They're not together just because of that. There is . . . let's just say I couldn't stand being around them the first few months before and after the wedding. Too much . . . affection.

So, basically, there's where I'm at in the scheme of things as it concerns relationships. Now, why am I writing about this? :sigh: Well. I honestly spent high school and college in the social wilderness. I really wasn't open to the potential of a relationship. I also had to face the fact that even should I be interested in someone, at some point, my fear of emotional intimacy would eventually ruin the relationship anyway.

Now, I'm open to relationship, but can be as excited about it as a kid on Christmas. The whole thing would be new ground to some extent for me. I don't want to leave the impression that I've never had a boyfriend. Just that those relationships only lasted as long as they were superficial and interesting. So, you can see how I subconsciously doomed relationships from the beginning. And now, with my health, I can hardly had my giddiness at the prospects of a new adventure and someone to hang out with on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. But, I going to want to know upfront exactly what I'm getting myself into. If you only have time to talk two days a week, tell me upfront. Don't let days go by without communication then act like I'm the idiot for having expected a message, an email, something! And if you're not ready for a purposeful relationship, say that upfront, too. Don't try to hide behind needing to be friends. And if you're not interested, say that! I'm a big girl and I got plenty of friends. Don't try to run some, "we need to be friends first," game on me to avoid a more serious relationship. It's not as though I haven't used that line myself. It's also not as though I don't know if a man is really interested in a woman, he will make time to talk. Even if it's just long enough to say, "Hello. Can't talk long. Just wanted to say, 'Hi.'"

Because me? I want a Sunday kind of love.

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But Don't Jack My Genuis